Hello LOYAL readers…..if you fall into the category of “Loyal Reader” (and DUH it’s safe to assume you do if you’re reading this) I’d like to pitch something but without my “Loyal Readers” it will never fly. I’m tired of hearing from Steve’s RAVING FANS. He’s not the only one with a wealth of knowledge in the Clark household you know. I happen to know a few things myself that Steve will never be able to boast about being the expert on! Ok so I haven’t written a book or produced numerous CD & DVDs – you got me on that one Steve but do you know the first thing about being a dog? No I didn’t think so.

That’s where my pitch comes in. I’m sure many of you have dogs and would love to know what goes through their mind at times. Or what exactly do they do when you leave the house? Or why they can’t just get along with the cat!

Just so happens I have the answers. Now I’m not bragging – well maybe I am bragging a little but hey if Steve can have “Raving Fans” then so can I – even if it is myself. I can’t help it I’m my own biggest fan!!

Ok, let’s focus on the issue at hand here. You HAVE a dog – I AM a dog. You have QUESTIONS about your dog – I have the ANSWERS. How great is it that we found one another!! Here’s the plan – you email your canine related questions to my assistant Cindi at clowden@newschoolselling.com and I’ll see that you get answers in next month’s newsletter. That’s it. Ask and ye shall receive.

Looking forward to hearing from you. Oh and don’t mention to Steve that HIS assistant is also MY assistant. I won’t be the only one pitching things if he finds that out. He’ll pitch a fit if he finds out she’s doing my work too – but that decision was hers. She can obviously handle the workload plus I pay better than Steve so she’d be a fool not work for me. Besides I promised I wouldn’t BARK at her which is more than she can say for Steve!!

Until next month……
Your Friend, Jake

OK, so Jake DID NOT receive a Valentine’s Day gift this year. You would think the title “man’s best friend” would entitle a dog to something!!

A treat!

A new chew toy!

A free swipe at the cat!

Something. But NO! Nothing.

I guess I don’t have to tell you that I did not write an article this week and I’m not even going to try and come up with an excuse – let’s just consider it my Valentine’s gift!!!

See you next time!
Jake

OK, so is college football season over yet??!! I thought I heard something about South Carolina ending their season on a good note. All I have to say about that is I couldn’t be happier – happy, that is, that their season has ended!! Steve has been wearing that Gamecocks shirt for months and I’m getting tired of looking at it. Yeah, he went to school there like 150 years ago – and I’m NOT talking dog years!! It’s one thing to go on and on about ‘YOUR’ team but unless you’ve actually been chased 50 yards by a group of extremely large linebackers with 30 pounds of equipment strapped to your back then it’s not YOUR team!! The only ownership you can claim in THAT team is that they graciously allow you to make those alumni donations!! Period!

I don’t get all the excitement about football. I’ve been running and chasing balls my whole life and not once have I seen Steve sporting a sweatshirt with my name on it!!

Apparently Super Bowl Sunday is in a few weeks and I almost got excited when I heard talk of that until I remembered from last year that the Super Bowl was not something that was going to end up on the floor full of food for me! Imagine a dog’s excitement at the mention of a Super Bowl. And imagine a dog’s disappointment only to find out that I would still be eating out the bowl by the garage door with a paw print on the inside….nothing SUPER about that!

Maybe with football season over with I’ll get a little attention from Steve. Not the “hey Jake” I’ve been getting when he’s on his way to get a cup of coffee – I’m talking real attention! Like taking me for a walk or tossing me a ball or even kicking one of those stupid cats (ok I admit the cat thing might be mean but I would find it slightly entertaining!!)

We’ll see what happens once football season is over but I’m guessing my level of entertainment isn’t going to change much if Steve has anything to do with it. Maybe I should sign up to be one of his coaching clients – they seem to be the only ones who get any attention around this place!

Until next month……
Your Friend, Jake

This is a replay of last year’s “holiday article by Jake” but if you’re paying attention and notice I’m wearing a Santa suit in that picture it apparently bears repeating. Not sure what it’s going to take to get them to stop this ridiculous charade! But I’ll try again this year – here it goes:

It’s November – the time of year when everyone is getting ready to celebrate the holiday season. Now who exactly is celebrating this season??

I got news for you – NOT your dog! We see absolutely no reason to celebrate a time of year where the dog is NOT allowed to partake in the main course because it could kill him?  We can eat Pig’s Ears, Rawhide….and you don’t seem to have a problem with us eating the occasional turd but oh no, we can’t have Turkey on Thanksgiving??!! Now tell me – who came up with that gem?

With Thanksgiving nearing, that means December is just around the corner. Christmas will be here before you know it and all of a sudden the dog is supposed to be able to make some kind of rational decision about peeing on a tree that all at once appears out of nowhere! There is no logic to any of this. Had that same tree been in the yard – there’d be no problem. But set it in the middle of the family room and all of a sudden it’s off limits to the dog. Look people, dogs have pretty good reasoning skills but comparatively speaking you have the edge on us in this area. You see a toilet on the showroom floor at Home Depot and you instinctively know it’s NOT for your personal use. Dogs on the other hand do not possess the ability to make that deduction. We see a tree…..it’s ours!! End of story. We don’t care if it is covered in twinkling lights – we just assume you put a nightlight in our bathroom too!!

So do me and your dog a favor this year – eat Ham on Thanksgiving and buy an artificial tree for Christmas. It just seems like the fair thing to do. Oh yeah, I’ve said it before but it bears repeating – dogs hate wearing Santa hats and reindeer horns so let’s say you make Christmas 2011 the year that you leave your dog out of it and  “mess” with the cat! (Yes Steve that last comment was meant especially for you!!!)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Your Friend, Jake

Halloween again already??!!!

Ok it’s Halloween – I get that you humans have made it a tradition of dressing funny and then running from house to house begging for candy – Well actually I don’t get it but for the purpose of this article I’ll pretend like I do. But what I will NOT pretend to like is that you insist on involving your animals in this charade! Look at that picture – could I look any more absurd??!!  You can bet your last dollar you’ll never see Steve prancing around with a yard of tulle draped around his shoulders – not that that hasn’t taken place – he was just smart enough to introduce those pictures to the shredder in his office!!

Look people – we’ll sit quietly at your side and help you hand out candy but please let that be your pets only involvement in this ridiculous holiday you call Halloween!!!

Where is PETA when we REALLY need them??!!!

I know, I know….religion (even talking about it) makes a lot of people uncomfortable these days but I would like to share a few thoughts and requests that I share daily with God. They are short and sweet (like me!!) but they are to the point (I know God has a lot to deal with). If any of this makes you uncomfortable – quit reading – it’s no big deal. Actually it IS a big deal but I’m not here to be your spiritual guide – I just write a column to help out and keep from having to listen to Steve whine about his workload and I decided this month’s column is about PRAYER – so deal with it!

To GOD From THE DOG

Dear God:  Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:  When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God:  Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?

Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. Why is it no one pays attention when the dog is spinning in circles in front of the door?!!

Dear God:  More meatballs, less spaghetti, please!

Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Amen,
Jake Clark

PS If you have to choose only one to respond to – I’d appreciate it if You’d pay particular attention to that last one!!

OK, I know I’ve complained about the heat for the past couple of months but now its almost August – the DOG DAYS of summer and that entitles me to continue my rant!

People (and Steve this includes you!) – If you see your dog laying under the car to get away from the heat – for heaven’s sake put him in the house. It is NOT cooler under the car…..yeah we’re out of the direct sunlight but there’s also no air circulating under there and there’s also a pretty good chance we’re sprawled across a puddle of the latest thing dripping out of your car!

If your dog is sitting straight up but his tongue is on the ground – that’s a pretty good indication that he’s hot – again open the door and let him in the house. Unless you are one of those thoughtful dog owners with a doggy door – and you know who you are (unfortunately for me Steve does NOT fall into this category!) then we’ll decide for ourselves when it’s time to go in and out. And personally if the decision is left up to me – I’m INSIDE from June through October!

Oh and by the way, who came up with the idea that only cats get to do their ‘business’ in the house? Don’t be so sure your dog can’t be taught to use the bathroom. We’re smart enough to go to the door and spin in circles so it’s a safe bet that we can master the art of hopping into a dishpan full of sand! It’s pretty much a no-brainer. If a cat can do it any animal can do it – trust me! The reason I bring this up – not to air our family dirty laundry or anything – but Steve has a habit of putting me out because HE thought it was time for me to go to the bathroom. Hey Steve, you stick to coaching and sales training and I’ll decide when it’s time for ME to go to the bathroom!!!

Anyway, the Dog Days of Summer are here and I’m trying to deal with it! But until Steve decides that I can lay around on his bed in the air conditioning and go to the bathroom anywhere and anytime I please is it too much to ask to be taken to the groomers. I’m covered in fur….and it’s like 120 degrees outside. I have the number for PETA – don’t make me use it!!!

See You in September!

Jake

The grass is brown and crunchy, the heat index is like 110 degrees and these days it feels like you’re sitting on the surface of the sun. Check out my picture…….I’m laying in the yard……Where is the rest of the family you may ask!!   They’re in the house……in fact they took this picture from the front window!  It’s much too hot for them to venture outdoors! The family dog though – he’s supposed to be able to endure anything. Never mind the fact that my collar is made of metal and when exposed to the hot sun for more than 3 seconds becomes a branding iron!!!

Next time you’re on a call with Steve would you please just happen to mention how you pamper your dog….how your dog eats at the dinner table with the family and sleeps in your bed and rides in the front seat of the car!  I don’t care if none of that really happens in your house but I’m trying to train Steve (how’s that for role reversal!!). I want him to know that other dogs have it much better than I do….so be a sport….do a dog a favor and help out ole Jake!!

Someday I’ll return the favor!

Thanks,
Your Friend Jake

Sorry….No article this week – it’s too hot!

Uh yes, that is a valid enough excuse for getting out of work (it is around the Clark household anyway). Well, it’s not an excuse as far as Steve is concerned – he thinks there’s NO such thing as an excuse to get out of work. But this one is totally valid as far as me and Charleen are concerned. I mean, come on it’s like 97 degrees. How are we supposed to concentrate on writing an article with all the panting and sweating that’s going on??!! (By the way, the panting is coming from me – Charleen is the sweaty one!!)

Anyway, if it cools off any time soon I’ll get to writing that article but it’s mid July and I believe it’s merely the start of the “Dog Days” of summer so don’t hold your breath!!!

Hey, check out the picture!!

I went on the family vacation to North Carolina. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive when Steve mentioned we were going to Mount Mitchell. You know any time it even looks like I’m going to MOUNT something I get hollered at. So  I was a little confused until I realized that Mount was a noun and not a verb in this instance! My bad!! My fear resurfaced  though when Steve commented on Mount Mitchell being the highest peak east of the Mississippi and then grabbed me by the collar – I have to admit I freaked out just a bit. For a split second I was sorry for everything I did on that extremely long car ride….but when I realized he wasn’t tossing me over the edge and simply wanted to take our picture next to the sign I eased up a bit…..well I didn’t COMPLETELY ease up until we stepped away from the edge and headed back to the car!!!  I couldn’t imagine him tossing me over but you never know what’s going to set someone off! Other than that semi-close call – a good time was had by all!!

Until next month!

Your Friend
Jake